Christmas Spirit

I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. Brianna will be able to appreciate it more and I love experiencing this for the first time again through her eyes. We went for a walk the other night to see how many Christmas lights were up and she would get so excited when she spotted another house. We're eagerly anticipating when Candycane Lane is all lit up close to our house so we can walk over and see the abundance of lights. It's just a neighbourhood that has been getting into the spirit for years and it's a tradition for thousands of people to come and see it.

We'll be putting our Christmas tree up next weekend and I hope to get some holiday baking done too. Scott has been busy making Christmas cd's with our favourite classics so we can play them while we're doing everything together.

Scott and I both have the week between Christmas and New Year's off and it will be nice to spend that time together as a family. We're hoping to make it to Jasper for a couple nights so Scott can ski and Bree and I can do some wintery stuff around town.

I think there is some fancy way for people to see when I've updated my blog, so in the off-chance that someone still checks-in I'll update.

We're on holidays this week and it's going to be hard to go back to work on Monday. The holiday didn't start off great; both Scott and Brianna were sick. We haven't done much yet since everyone has been better, but we've had some good intentions. I tried to take Bree to the beach the other day when Scott was sick in bed. I drove almost an hour to the other side of Stoney Plain just to discover that the beach was closed. I was pretty annoyed that there was no indication on their web site. Beaches that aren't too polluted to swim in are few and far between in Alberta. We also intended to go to the water park last night, but Brianna had a very late nap and that didn't work out. We're still hoping to go to Fort Edmonton sometime this week. We have managed to get a good hike in around the Fort's perimeter last night, though.

We're still striving for our goal of moving back to Kingston, but we haven't made much progress and still have no idea of when it will happen. I'm so eager to get back there, though, and it's so hard being away from family and friends. It was hard when we decided not to go for this week since my brother, Travis, and his wife and kids were visiting Kingston from Saint John. They haven't even met Brianna and I haven't met their latest addition to the family. I'm just praying that we'll be there by next spring, but we don't know.

Whirlwind

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. Brianna turned one last weekend and we had Scott's parents here to celebrate with us. We had a really nice time and Scott and I went out for the first time since Bree was born by ourselves. We went to The Olive Garden for supper and then to the movies to see "Made of Honor". I thought the movie was cute, but I think Scott was just okay with it since it was very much your typical chick-flick. It was our anniversary outing because we were married 5 years this past Saturday.

We also had a birthday party for Brianna on the 18th since her birthday was the 20th. It was lots of fun and the cake was really good. Since I had guests for the weekend I didn't make a cake myself. I ordered one from Safeway that was decorated with a Sesame Street theme. It had two layers (one chocolate, one vanilla), and it had custard in between. We also ordered a couple of sushi platters from the only sushi place that we've found to be any good here.

Brianna also started at the daycare on Wednesday and I started work. It was a really stressful week for us as we tried to adjust. She didn't nap very well on any of the three days so she was really grumpy and not herself when I came home. I work until 6 so there isn't a lot of time to spend with her before bed and it's even less time when she's tired. I also feel bad waking her up early in the morning when she's so tired. I hope we all adjust soon. We came home early today, though, because Brianna was having a hard time breathing because of her cold. She had the same thing happen back in February. She had a normal cold and then after a couple days we noticed her breathing was really raspy and fast so we took her to the doctor and she was given a bronchial dilator. Since the same thing happened today I had to bring her home and give her her puffer. It helped almost right away and now she's sleeping. I hope she has a good nap so she'll get better faster. I'll probably take her back to daycare tomorrow (assuming she's doing ok) and bring her puffer with me.

Everyone has told me that I'll get used to taking her to daycare and she'll adjust. I'm sure it will get easier, but I'll never feel like it's the ideal situation for us. My vocation in life is to just be a mom and wife; that's where my priorities are and we always planned for me to stay home. This situation is motivating me to be pro-active in making that happen. When I decided to go back to the daycare I was pregnant and knew the situation at the daycare would be temporary; now that I'm not pregnant I don't know how long it will be and that makes me anxious. I admire parents who can do what they need to do for their kids and accept it even if they aren't happy with it, but it's hard for me. I really hope and pray that we can buy a house somewhere soon(preferably Kingston, but at this point I'm not feeling picky) so that I can finally have a suitable place to have a home daycare and stay home.

Good stuff

Brianna has slept entirely through the night for 2 nights in a row now and this afternoon she fell asleep all by herself without crying. I'm very happy about this. She's also down to nursing at bedtime and in the morning only and there wasn't any stress about losing the other times. After I was stressing about not pushing her she just kind of let go a little. It's funny how that worked out.

I'm also happy that spring is here (again) and the snow is melting (again). Hopefully we've seen the last of the snow and we can stop wearing jackets. Pushing a stroller is really difficult on snowy sidewalks, especially when it warms up a little and it's all heavy and slushy.

We're taking Brianna to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time tomorrow and then going to her fist birthday party on Sunday. Her friend Olivia is turning 1. It's making me excited about her birthday next month.

It's winter here again. We got tons of snow over the weekend and there's still more to come; it's not really welcome. Despite the terrible weather yesterday I went to church with Brianna. I went to the Alliance church here in the west end finally. I put off going because I didn't think I'd like it since it's so huge, but I was pleasantly surprised . I can't really put my finger on why I liked it since I didn't really get to hear much of the message and I didn't really talk to anyone, but there's something nice about it. Brianna was with me for about three quarters of the service and was pretty restless. Eventually an usher approached me and asked me if I'd like her to be in the nursery. I wasn't too sure about it, but once I got her there I felt comfortable with it. They have a good system that made me feel like no strangers were going to steal her so I left her in there. Much to my surprise she didn't mind being left there at all. She was only in there for about 15-20 minutes, but she didn't cry at all. That makes me less scared about putting her in daycare in a month. I'm also glad that I can finally go to church and not stress about her disturbing everyone around us.

nursing

Brianna isn't ready to wean yet and I don't want to push her. She can easily go most of the day without nursing and she can fall asleep without it if we dance with her, but if I don't want to dance with her then nursing is pretty much the only way (aside from taking her for a walk or drive). I'm stressed out because I don't know how things will be for her at the daycare; I don't want it to be difficult for her. My hope is that she will be so tired from all the stimulation and the nap routine will be so different that she will just sleep easily. It will be really hard on me if I can hear her crying and I can't do anything about it. I'm going to nurse her before we go to the daycare and also when we get home. I'm hoping that nursing at different times will help her have her "mommy time" so that she won't feel traumatized. if I wasn't going back to work I wouldn't even be trying to wean. I thought I wanted to wean her, but I don't. I also enjoy the closeness. I wanted to stop sometime in her second year, but my plan was always to make it really gradual so it would be easy on both of us. Hopefully nursing her more when it's not nap time at home will help us both get what we need.

Saturday

Saturdays are always good days for me because Scott gets up with Brianna and takes her out and I have the place to myself. Unfortunately, I often spend it cleaning, but I feel better when it's done and I can relax then. For some reason in my head I had it in my head that I was going to go for a run this morning. The snow was pretty much gone and the days were longer so I thought I could try again. I woke up to a lot of snow and didn't feel up to it anymore though. I still haven't eaten my breakfast and I still could, but it doesn't seem as appealing with all the snow. I'm just really determined to eventually be able to run without wanting to die. It's been a life-long battle between my determination and laziness. So far laziness is winning.

Scott's on holidays next week and it will be really nice to have him around. On Monday I have to have an ultrasound just to make sure that my uterus is clearing out and then Tuesday morning I'm taking Brianna to a sign language and singing group at the library. As soon as that is done we're heading to Calgary to stay at a hotel and go to the zoo. Bree loves animals and I've heard good things about the zoo there. I was pretty disappointed in the one here; it doesn't have very many animals and the ones that are there are living in pretty small areas.

Everything happens for a reason?

For those of you who don't yet know, we've lost our little baby before even knowing him or her. I started spotting on Sunday, and after being told by an emergency room doctor that things were fine, I had an ultrasound yesterday and found out there was no heartbeat. The bleeding hasn't been bad and I haven't really had any cramping so I guess the worst is yet to come. I could see the baby on the monitor. The tech asked if I wanted to see and I said "no", but she left the screen on when I was changing so I looked. It was easy to see.

Scott and I are leaning on each other, our friends and family, and God to get us through this hard time. We're thankful for Brianna who can put a smile on our faces despite how we're feeling.

Pregnant Dreams

My dreams become so vivid when I'm pregnant that I think I should always be able to tell when I'm pregnant on that alone. The weirdest thing about my dreams is that I seem to dream about spiders a lot. I'm petrified of spiders and in all my dreams I have this terrible fear associated with them. They're always bigger than anything I've seen in real life and very threatening. I don't know what that means. I also dream that I am choking a lot. I wake up thinking that there is something in my mouth and I'm struggling to not swallow it. It's not always food either, sometimes it's an object like a ball. It makes me wake up really panicky. Luckily I haven't woken up thinking that I'm choking on a spider...I think that would give me a heart attack.

I'm having a hard time with this whole weaning thing. My family doctor told me I needed to wean because there wouldn't be enough nutrients, which I don't really believe (and with the amount I'm eating there has to be enough), but I'm eager to anyway because it's not that comfortable anymore. Brianna has 8 teeth that are becoming an issue throughout the whole feed. I also haven't been putting on much weight yet, and this morning the scale actually indicated that I've lost weight. I'm not sure how accurate my scale is, though, so I'm not sure if I should be concerned. I don't have an appointment with my OB for another 2 weeks so I can't discuss it with him until then.
I don't nurse that often anymore; it works out to be 2-3 times a day and then twice a night on average. She's been eating a decent amount of solid foods so I think she's doing well with nutrients even when she doesn't nurse often. I've started giving her cow's milk even though I've read a few times that babies under 12 months should be given formula instead. She's never had formula and I feel more comfortable with the milk. She also won't take a bottle, but sometimes I wish I had encouraged her to so that Scott could give her a bottle with warm milk at bedtime.
For those of you who have gone through the weaning...does just nursing at nap time and bedtime seem like a good start? What about nursing while pregnant? What did your doctors/midwives say about it?

News!

So big news over in Edmonton; I'm pregnant again! I'm 10 1/2 weeks along and I'm feeling great. I haven't had any morning sickness and I'm not even that much more tired. Baby number 2 is due to arrive in early October.

This is another reason I'll be going back to the daycare...I can cash in on mat leave again! I'll only be there until either we move, or I have the baby.

I haven't posted for a long time because I really don't know where to start. A lot has changed recently.

I'm no longer doing the home daycare and I've decided to go back to work at the daycare that I was at before. I went out with my old boss and she persuaded me to go back when Brianna is one. She can come with, butI won't be in the same room as her. I'll also be making more money than I would if I stayed home, even with paying for child care since the pay has gone up since I was there last. Scott and I weren't really sure if we wanted Bree to be at a daycare, but we figure it's a good opportunity for her to socialize with some other kids. She will only be there for a little while anyway since we're still hoping to move back to Kingston at the end of the summer. We're keeping our fingers crossed that it works out.

I had a meeting with my consultant from the day home agency yesterday and I think she was annoyed that I backed out. It does suck since I put so much time (and money) into preparing for the daycare, but I still plan to one day do it so I'll still use a lot of the stuff I bought. I plan on returning the things I don't need though. I was hoping that I could have taken care of some kids temporarily, but no such luck.

I still need some sort of a part time job so I'm applying at the grocery store near by. I'm really hoping that I can get something where I can just work 4 hours at a time when Scott is home so we'll keep our fingers crossed on that one too.

I'm also starting to wean Brianna, but I don't really know what I'm doing. I didn't want to do it this early, but I need to get rid of the daytime feeds at least if she'll be starting daycare. I've been trying to just nurse her at nap times, but sometimes I end up nursing because I think she'll go to sleep, but then she doesn't and I've put in an extra feed by accident. It doesn't help that she's all of a sudden completely uninterested in solid food. She was doing really well for a while, but now she only wants to eat a very limited number of things and she only eats a little. It's kind of stressful.

So that's all my news for now. I'm not feeling all that relaxed, but things will work themselves out.

I'm still waiting to have my daycare, but at this point it's mostly out of my hands as I wait for documents in the mail and a doctor's appointment to pass a physical. I don't need to complain about it anymore. Scott helped me out a lot with the preparations and helped me keep my sanity. Now I'm just looking forward to getting started.

We've been trying to get Brianna to fall asleep in her crib lately because once I have other kids here I won't be able to sit in her room with her for a long time while she falls asleep. She's also getting too heavy for us to bounce around or walk with until she sleeps. I'm not a fan of leaving the room while she frantically cries in her room, so instead we've come up with a routine that is working.

After a nice bath (her favourite) we read a few books and then I take her out into the living room to nurse her while I talk to Scott or watch TV. I don't really want her to fall asleep nursing anymore so this seems to work to keep her somewhat distracted, but it still relaxes her. After that I take her into her room and hang on to her and cuddle with her with the lights out. This part varies in time depending on how she's feeling, but most of the time she relaxes in my arms and then I can lay her down in her crib while she's still awake. She doesn't usually fuss about it, but if she does I can usually calm her down by just rubbing her back or head. If she gets really upset I pick her up again until she's calm and try again. The first night of trying this new routine took over an hour of picking her up and putting her back down again. She wasn't crying because she was sad; she was pissed. I wasn't really sure if my plan was going to work. The next night, though, it only took 10 minutes. We've been doing it every night and at nap time for just over a week and it's working great. I don't have to spend very much time in her room with her anymore. I just have to be sure she's tired enough or else she'll just try and play. She still wakes up a few times during the night and I will nurse her back to sleep if she's hungry, but sometimes I don't have to. I'll worry about the middle of the night routine later.

A Rant...

I've been stressed out lately and it's making me lose sleep. The combination of stress and lack of sleep has made me absent-minded and cranky. The reason I've been so stressed out is because I'm getting ready to open up my daycare and I'm finding it really over-whelming. I'm going through an agency because I thought it would be the easier route, but I get really tense when I think about it.

The good thing about going through an agency is that they will find kids for me so I don't have to worry about not knowing anyone. They'll also take care of the money side of things and because they're accredited, I'll actually get government wage enhancement - being a level 3 ECE makes the enhancement enticing too. They also will find back-up care for the kids if either Brianna or I are sick. These are all the things that made me choose an agency instead of going privately.

The things that make me feel over-whelmed are all the things I need to do to prepare for the day home. I was somewhat ready for the things that they would tell me, but I've been surprised more than once. I have to do some re-arranging of my bedroom because that's where the two kids will be napping. We have a cedar chest that Scott's grandfather made us and apparently it's not safe because the kids may pinch their fingers, so we need to move that somewhere else. Our bedside tables can have no cosmetics (like hand cream and such) on them. This is just a little thing and not really a big deal, but just bugs me because it's on top of a bunch of other things. I always put on hand cream before I go to bed (because it's so dry here); I don't put it on before coming into the bedroom because then my hands will be slimy when I open the door. I also have to put child-proof locks on a bunch of cupboards; I'm ok with that one. I have to buy a container that I can lock with a pad lock and keep the key elsewhere for medications. The box then needs to be put up high out of reach. I need to clear a medical exam. I don't have a doctor, so this will likely result in a bunch of tests since no doctor here knows anything about my history. The one person who would know most things is my ob/gyn and I don't think I could go see him for that. We also need to get the cats their vaccines. This really bothered me when I found out because it's going to be really expensive to get all three done. They've all had shots in the past, but none of them have been outside since, so we haven't bothered because of the expense.

On top of the things I need to do to the apartment, I have a lot of paperwork to do. I have to do program plans and meal plans and fill out a lot of forms. I wasn't expecting that. I've never been one to get phased by this kind of stuff, but for some reason all this is bugging me.

This may sound very "complainy", but I feel like there's so much to do. I know they have standards and I can appreciate that, but I feel like if I just did a private daycare it would be a lot easier. Doing it privately worries me though because I don't know how much money I would make and since I don't know anyone I'd be worried about getting people who didn't pay me.

I've never been one to like rules. It's not that I'm a rebel, but I prefer things to be more relaxed. I think the fact that they are coming into my home and telling me what I need to do to it also rubs me the wrong way. Most of the things they're asking me to do I'm not even doing with Brianna here and I think she's safe. I do supervise kids; I don't put them in a rubber room and hope for the best.

I'll likely just stick with the agency and once I get all the crap out of the way first it will be ok. I just hope it doesn't take too long to get a couple kids; they told me it may take a while because I want 2-4 year olds instead of younger kids.

I hope this doesn't come across too negative, but I really can't help it. I'm really feeling pretty negative about the whole thing.