I think there is some fancy way for people to see when I've updated my blog, so in the off-chance that someone still checks-in I'll update.

We're on holidays this week and it's going to be hard to go back to work on Monday. The holiday didn't start off great; both Scott and Brianna were sick. We haven't done much yet since everyone has been better, but we've had some good intentions. I tried to take Bree to the beach the other day when Scott was sick in bed. I drove almost an hour to the other side of Stoney Plain just to discover that the beach was closed. I was pretty annoyed that there was no indication on their web site. Beaches that aren't too polluted to swim in are few and far between in Alberta. We also intended to go to the water park last night, but Brianna had a very late nap and that didn't work out. We're still hoping to go to Fort Edmonton sometime this week. We have managed to get a good hike in around the Fort's perimeter last night, though.

We're still striving for our goal of moving back to Kingston, but we haven't made much progress and still have no idea of when it will happen. I'm so eager to get back there, though, and it's so hard being away from family and friends. It was hard when we decided not to go for this week since my brother, Travis, and his wife and kids were visiting Kingston from Saint John. They haven't even met Brianna and I haven't met their latest addition to the family. I'm just praying that we'll be there by next spring, but we don't know.

Whirlwind

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. Brianna turned one last weekend and we had Scott's parents here to celebrate with us. We had a really nice time and Scott and I went out for the first time since Bree was born by ourselves. We went to The Olive Garden for supper and then to the movies to see "Made of Honor". I thought the movie was cute, but I think Scott was just okay with it since it was very much your typical chick-flick. It was our anniversary outing because we were married 5 years this past Saturday.

We also had a birthday party for Brianna on the 18th since her birthday was the 20th. It was lots of fun and the cake was really good. Since I had guests for the weekend I didn't make a cake myself. I ordered one from Safeway that was decorated with a Sesame Street theme. It had two layers (one chocolate, one vanilla), and it had custard in between. We also ordered a couple of sushi platters from the only sushi place that we've found to be any good here.

Brianna also started at the daycare on Wednesday and I started work. It was a really stressful week for us as we tried to adjust. She didn't nap very well on any of the three days so she was really grumpy and not herself when I came home. I work until 6 so there isn't a lot of time to spend with her before bed and it's even less time when she's tired. I also feel bad waking her up early in the morning when she's so tired. I hope we all adjust soon. We came home early today, though, because Brianna was having a hard time breathing because of her cold. She had the same thing happen back in February. She had a normal cold and then after a couple days we noticed her breathing was really raspy and fast so we took her to the doctor and she was given a bronchial dilator. Since the same thing happened today I had to bring her home and give her her puffer. It helped almost right away and now she's sleeping. I hope she has a good nap so she'll get better faster. I'll probably take her back to daycare tomorrow (assuming she's doing ok) and bring her puffer with me.

Everyone has told me that I'll get used to taking her to daycare and she'll adjust. I'm sure it will get easier, but I'll never feel like it's the ideal situation for us. My vocation in life is to just be a mom and wife; that's where my priorities are and we always planned for me to stay home. This situation is motivating me to be pro-active in making that happen. When I decided to go back to the daycare I was pregnant and knew the situation at the daycare would be temporary; now that I'm not pregnant I don't know how long it will be and that makes me anxious. I admire parents who can do what they need to do for their kids and accept it even if they aren't happy with it, but it's hard for me. I really hope and pray that we can buy a house somewhere soon(preferably Kingston, but at this point I'm not feeling picky) so that I can finally have a suitable place to have a home daycare and stay home.

Good stuff

Brianna has slept entirely through the night for 2 nights in a row now and this afternoon she fell asleep all by herself without crying. I'm very happy about this. She's also down to nursing at bedtime and in the morning only and there wasn't any stress about losing the other times. After I was stressing about not pushing her she just kind of let go a little. It's funny how that worked out.

I'm also happy that spring is here (again) and the snow is melting (again). Hopefully we've seen the last of the snow and we can stop wearing jackets. Pushing a stroller is really difficult on snowy sidewalks, especially when it warms up a little and it's all heavy and slushy.

We're taking Brianna to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time tomorrow and then going to her fist birthday party on Sunday. Her friend Olivia is turning 1. It's making me excited about her birthday next month.

It's winter here again. We got tons of snow over the weekend and there's still more to come; it's not really welcome. Despite the terrible weather yesterday I went to church with Brianna. I went to the Alliance church here in the west end finally. I put off going because I didn't think I'd like it since it's so huge, but I was pleasantly surprised . I can't really put my finger on why I liked it since I didn't really get to hear much of the message and I didn't really talk to anyone, but there's something nice about it. Brianna was with me for about three quarters of the service and was pretty restless. Eventually an usher approached me and asked me if I'd like her to be in the nursery. I wasn't too sure about it, but once I got her there I felt comfortable with it. They have a good system that made me feel like no strangers were going to steal her so I left her in there. Much to my surprise she didn't mind being left there at all. She was only in there for about 15-20 minutes, but she didn't cry at all. That makes me less scared about putting her in daycare in a month. I'm also glad that I can finally go to church and not stress about her disturbing everyone around us.

nursing

Brianna isn't ready to wean yet and I don't want to push her. She can easily go most of the day without nursing and she can fall asleep without it if we dance with her, but if I don't want to dance with her then nursing is pretty much the only way (aside from taking her for a walk or drive). I'm stressed out because I don't know how things will be for her at the daycare; I don't want it to be difficult for her. My hope is that she will be so tired from all the stimulation and the nap routine will be so different that she will just sleep easily. It will be really hard on me if I can hear her crying and I can't do anything about it. I'm going to nurse her before we go to the daycare and also when we get home. I'm hoping that nursing at different times will help her have her "mommy time" so that she won't feel traumatized. if I wasn't going back to work I wouldn't even be trying to wean. I thought I wanted to wean her, but I don't. I also enjoy the closeness. I wanted to stop sometime in her second year, but my plan was always to make it really gradual so it would be easy on both of us. Hopefully nursing her more when it's not nap time at home will help us both get what we need.

Saturday

Saturdays are always good days for me because Scott gets up with Brianna and takes her out and I have the place to myself. Unfortunately, I often spend it cleaning, but I feel better when it's done and I can relax then. For some reason in my head I had it in my head that I was going to go for a run this morning. The snow was pretty much gone and the days were longer so I thought I could try again. I woke up to a lot of snow and didn't feel up to it anymore though. I still haven't eaten my breakfast and I still could, but it doesn't seem as appealing with all the snow. I'm just really determined to eventually be able to run without wanting to die. It's been a life-long battle between my determination and laziness. So far laziness is winning.

Scott's on holidays next week and it will be really nice to have him around. On Monday I have to have an ultrasound just to make sure that my uterus is clearing out and then Tuesday morning I'm taking Brianna to a sign language and singing group at the library. As soon as that is done we're heading to Calgary to stay at a hotel and go to the zoo. Bree loves animals and I've heard good things about the zoo there. I was pretty disappointed in the one here; it doesn't have very many animals and the ones that are there are living in pretty small areas.

Everything happens for a reason?

For those of you who don't yet know, we've lost our little baby before even knowing him or her. I started spotting on Sunday, and after being told by an emergency room doctor that things were fine, I had an ultrasound yesterday and found out there was no heartbeat. The bleeding hasn't been bad and I haven't really had any cramping so I guess the worst is yet to come. I could see the baby on the monitor. The tech asked if I wanted to see and I said "no", but she left the screen on when I was changing so I looked. It was easy to see.

Scott and I are leaning on each other, our friends and family, and God to get us through this hard time. We're thankful for Brianna who can put a smile on our faces despite how we're feeling.

Pregnant Dreams

My dreams become so vivid when I'm pregnant that I think I should always be able to tell when I'm pregnant on that alone. The weirdest thing about my dreams is that I seem to dream about spiders a lot. I'm petrified of spiders and in all my dreams I have this terrible fear associated with them. They're always bigger than anything I've seen in real life and very threatening. I don't know what that means. I also dream that I am choking a lot. I wake up thinking that there is something in my mouth and I'm struggling to not swallow it. It's not always food either, sometimes it's an object like a ball. It makes me wake up really panicky. Luckily I haven't woken up thinking that I'm choking on a spider...I think that would give me a heart attack.

I'm having a hard time with this whole weaning thing. My family doctor told me I needed to wean because there wouldn't be enough nutrients, which I don't really believe (and with the amount I'm eating there has to be enough), but I'm eager to anyway because it's not that comfortable anymore. Brianna has 8 teeth that are becoming an issue throughout the whole feed. I also haven't been putting on much weight yet, and this morning the scale actually indicated that I've lost weight. I'm not sure how accurate my scale is, though, so I'm not sure if I should be concerned. I don't have an appointment with my OB for another 2 weeks so I can't discuss it with him until then.
I don't nurse that often anymore; it works out to be 2-3 times a day and then twice a night on average. She's been eating a decent amount of solid foods so I think she's doing well with nutrients even when she doesn't nurse often. I've started giving her cow's milk even though I've read a few times that babies under 12 months should be given formula instead. She's never had formula and I feel more comfortable with the milk. She also won't take a bottle, but sometimes I wish I had encouraged her to so that Scott could give her a bottle with warm milk at bedtime.
For those of you who have gone through the weaning...does just nursing at nap time and bedtime seem like a good start? What about nursing while pregnant? What did your doctors/midwives say about it?

News!

So big news over in Edmonton; I'm pregnant again! I'm 10 1/2 weeks along and I'm feeling great. I haven't had any morning sickness and I'm not even that much more tired. Baby number 2 is due to arrive in early October.

This is another reason I'll be going back to the daycare...I can cash in on mat leave again! I'll only be there until either we move, or I have the baby.

I haven't posted for a long time because I really don't know where to start. A lot has changed recently.

I'm no longer doing the home daycare and I've decided to go back to work at the daycare that I was at before. I went out with my old boss and she persuaded me to go back when Brianna is one. She can come with, butI won't be in the same room as her. I'll also be making more money than I would if I stayed home, even with paying for child care since the pay has gone up since I was there last. Scott and I weren't really sure if we wanted Bree to be at a daycare, but we figure it's a good opportunity for her to socialize with some other kids. She will only be there for a little while anyway since we're still hoping to move back to Kingston at the end of the summer. We're keeping our fingers crossed that it works out.

I had a meeting with my consultant from the day home agency yesterday and I think she was annoyed that I backed out. It does suck since I put so much time (and money) into preparing for the daycare, but I still plan to one day do it so I'll still use a lot of the stuff I bought. I plan on returning the things I don't need though. I was hoping that I could have taken care of some kids temporarily, but no such luck.

I still need some sort of a part time job so I'm applying at the grocery store near by. I'm really hoping that I can get something where I can just work 4 hours at a time when Scott is home so we'll keep our fingers crossed on that one too.

I'm also starting to wean Brianna, but I don't really know what I'm doing. I didn't want to do it this early, but I need to get rid of the daytime feeds at least if she'll be starting daycare. I've been trying to just nurse her at nap times, but sometimes I end up nursing because I think she'll go to sleep, but then she doesn't and I've put in an extra feed by accident. It doesn't help that she's all of a sudden completely uninterested in solid food. She was doing really well for a while, but now she only wants to eat a very limited number of things and she only eats a little. It's kind of stressful.

So that's all my news for now. I'm not feeling all that relaxed, but things will work themselves out.

I'm still waiting to have my daycare, but at this point it's mostly out of my hands as I wait for documents in the mail and a doctor's appointment to pass a physical. I don't need to complain about it anymore. Scott helped me out a lot with the preparations and helped me keep my sanity. Now I'm just looking forward to getting started.

We've been trying to get Brianna to fall asleep in her crib lately because once I have other kids here I won't be able to sit in her room with her for a long time while she falls asleep. She's also getting too heavy for us to bounce around or walk with until she sleeps. I'm not a fan of leaving the room while she frantically cries in her room, so instead we've come up with a routine that is working.

After a nice bath (her favourite) we read a few books and then I take her out into the living room to nurse her while I talk to Scott or watch TV. I don't really want her to fall asleep nursing anymore so this seems to work to keep her somewhat distracted, but it still relaxes her. After that I take her into her room and hang on to her and cuddle with her with the lights out. This part varies in time depending on how she's feeling, but most of the time she relaxes in my arms and then I can lay her down in her crib while she's still awake. She doesn't usually fuss about it, but if she does I can usually calm her down by just rubbing her back or head. If she gets really upset I pick her up again until she's calm and try again. The first night of trying this new routine took over an hour of picking her up and putting her back down again. She wasn't crying because she was sad; she was pissed. I wasn't really sure if my plan was going to work. The next night, though, it only took 10 minutes. We've been doing it every night and at nap time for just over a week and it's working great. I don't have to spend very much time in her room with her anymore. I just have to be sure she's tired enough or else she'll just try and play. She still wakes up a few times during the night and I will nurse her back to sleep if she's hungry, but sometimes I don't have to. I'll worry about the middle of the night routine later.

A Rant...

I've been stressed out lately and it's making me lose sleep. The combination of stress and lack of sleep has made me absent-minded and cranky. The reason I've been so stressed out is because I'm getting ready to open up my daycare and I'm finding it really over-whelming. I'm going through an agency because I thought it would be the easier route, but I get really tense when I think about it.

The good thing about going through an agency is that they will find kids for me so I don't have to worry about not knowing anyone. They'll also take care of the money side of things and because they're accredited, I'll actually get government wage enhancement - being a level 3 ECE makes the enhancement enticing too. They also will find back-up care for the kids if either Brianna or I are sick. These are all the things that made me choose an agency instead of going privately.

The things that make me feel over-whelmed are all the things I need to do to prepare for the day home. I was somewhat ready for the things that they would tell me, but I've been surprised more than once. I have to do some re-arranging of my bedroom because that's where the two kids will be napping. We have a cedar chest that Scott's grandfather made us and apparently it's not safe because the kids may pinch their fingers, so we need to move that somewhere else. Our bedside tables can have no cosmetics (like hand cream and such) on them. This is just a little thing and not really a big deal, but just bugs me because it's on top of a bunch of other things. I always put on hand cream before I go to bed (because it's so dry here); I don't put it on before coming into the bedroom because then my hands will be slimy when I open the door. I also have to put child-proof locks on a bunch of cupboards; I'm ok with that one. I have to buy a container that I can lock with a pad lock and keep the key elsewhere for medications. The box then needs to be put up high out of reach. I need to clear a medical exam. I don't have a doctor, so this will likely result in a bunch of tests since no doctor here knows anything about my history. The one person who would know most things is my ob/gyn and I don't think I could go see him for that. We also need to get the cats their vaccines. This really bothered me when I found out because it's going to be really expensive to get all three done. They've all had shots in the past, but none of them have been outside since, so we haven't bothered because of the expense.

On top of the things I need to do to the apartment, I have a lot of paperwork to do. I have to do program plans and meal plans and fill out a lot of forms. I wasn't expecting that. I've never been one to get phased by this kind of stuff, but for some reason all this is bugging me.

This may sound very "complainy", but I feel like there's so much to do. I know they have standards and I can appreciate that, but I feel like if I just did a private daycare it would be a lot easier. Doing it privately worries me though because I don't know how much money I would make and since I don't know anyone I'd be worried about getting people who didn't pay me.

I've never been one to like rules. It's not that I'm a rebel, but I prefer things to be more relaxed. I think the fact that they are coming into my home and telling me what I need to do to it also rubs me the wrong way. Most of the things they're asking me to do I'm not even doing with Brianna here and I think she's safe. I do supervise kids; I don't put them in a rubber room and hope for the best.

I'll likely just stick with the agency and once I get all the crap out of the way first it will be ok. I just hope it doesn't take too long to get a couple kids; they told me it may take a while because I want 2-4 year olds instead of younger kids.

I hope this doesn't come across too negative, but I really can't help it. I'm really feeling pretty negative about the whole thing.

Brianna now wakes up an average of twice a night now and this morning she slept in until 9:30! She was up at 8:00, and I thought she may have stayed up then, but after nursing her she fell back asleep. I took advantage of that and went back to sleep myself. She's been going to bed a little later lately with the holidays and I liked her earlier bedtime better, but I think I like this extra sleep in the mornings too!

Now that I'm not so sleep-deprived I feel so much better. My patience is better and I feel like I can get a lot more done during the day. I find myself doing my housework faster while Brianna is content to play in her exersaucer or playpen so then I have more time to relax when I get the chances. Also, now that I'm better rested, the thought of taking care of other children seems a lot less daunting.

Scott and I had always talked about how I would stay home with our kids and watch other children too so that I'd also have an income. After I had Brianna and found out how hard one baby was I wasn't so confident about my childcare abilities. I went to school for ECE with our plan in mind, but I became really scared about it. I'm starting to feel better though.

I'm going to have to start having a better routine with Bree so that she'll be used to it when we start having other kids here. I've always been pretty flexible with her; I've had a very loose routine with her. I'll continue to play thing by ear sometimes, but I need a bit more structure so she knows what to expect.

The only thing I'm still concerned about is nap time. I still put Brianna to sleep and we have our rituals for that that work for us. I'm not sure how that will work when I'm responsible for other people's kids too. I still want to be an attentive mother and not change things for Bree too much.

Here in Alberta there are government-run day homes for childcare and I'm looking into that since I don't know anyone who needs me. I emailed them and probably won't hear anything until after the new year. The families pay the day-home agency and then they pay me. I figure it might be the way to go; then I don't need to worry about the money part. I told them that I only want a couple kids that are 2-4 years and I'd like to start off part-time to ease Brianna into it. I hope it works out.

I have a few things I should be doing right now while Brianna is napping, but I've been wanting to blog for so long. I tidied up a bit and made some vegetarian chili for supper (I'm not a vegetarian, but I love the chili). I find that I judge myself as a wife and mother and how much I can get done in a day and I feel a little bad when Scott comes home from work and I don't have supper ready and the apartment is messy. I don't know why I do this to myself since I don't expect this from other women and I certainly didn't grow up in a household where my mother kept things in their place and had supper on the table at the end of the day. In fact, it was my dad who was at home with me most of the time and while he kept things basically tidy, he wasn't the male version of June Cleaver.

For some reason, though, I have set my expectations high for myself and then when I feel over-whelmed it makes me feel guilty for not being able to juggle everything - especially since I only have one child. I also forget to do things for myself quite often (like blogging). I've had a book out of the library for 6 weeks that I'm still only about a third of the way through and I have another one on hold that I need to pick up and read. I've read the current one before, but I'm trying to refresh my memory on the story since it's part of a series and the latest story is due out next year sometime (it's Dragonfly in Amber by Diana Gabaldon, part of the Outlander series. I highly recommend the series to you). It's seven hundred and something pages long and I'm on page two-hundred and something. I've already had to renew it once and it's due back today so i'll either have to renew it again or give it up and try again later. Scott's constantly telling me that I should relax while Brianna is sleeping, but usually when I try to relax, I end up thinking about everything that I should be doing.

I'm going to have to work on this problem. I truly believe that women should take time for themselves and do what they enjoy so that they can be the best mothers/wives, but it's easier said than done for me.

A New Room

On Sunday night we decided it was time to move Brianna into her own room. She'll be 7 months old tomorrow and we only intended for her to stay in our room for 6 months. I loved having her so close to me when she woke up in the night, and it had become a comfort for me to fall asleep listening to her breathe. She's a very light sleeper, though, and we thought maybe she'd sleep better without us making noise. We also couldn't go in and out of our room or talk in there while she was sleeping because she'd wake up.

So, on Sunday night I told Scott it was time to move her crib. The crib needs to be taken apart to go through the doors, so it's not something I can change my mind on. I felt really sad as we prepared her to go since it's a big step (for me, at least).

The first night she was up constantly. I think she was up five times, but it could have been six; sometimes the night becomes a blur when she's waking up so much. Monday night she was only up 4-5 times, and didn't get up for the day until 8:15; she's usually up closer to 7am. Then, last night she only woke up once! When Scott woke me up at 6:30 I couldn't believe the time. I don't usually have to get up with Scott in the mornings and he usually lets me sleep since I'm almost invariably up all night, but this morning I had take him to work so I could have the car for Brianna's doctor's appointment. I can't help but wonder how long she would have slept because I actually woke her up. I really hope that moving her to her own room is going to be the answer to her frequent night-wakings. It seems like she needed a little bit of time to adjust, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I just wanted to let people out there know that Brianna will be getting baptized on December 9th so we'll be at Rustle. If you want to say hi to us we'd love to see you!

Stink

I'm really looking forward to eventually having a house of our own so I don't have to smell everything coming from other people's apartment. When I was pregnant, and my smell was really sensitive and I had an aversion to everything, I used to love to get outside of the daycare where I couldn't smell the cooking from the kitchen, people's perfume, and the diaper odours. When I'd step through my door in the evening, though, the smell of other people's dinner cooking would turn my stomach and there was no escape from it. The smells were so strong (to me, at least) and I couldn't stand it. Now that we're in a new place and I'm not pregnant, I'm still bothered by the smells from other people's suites seeping through the vents and under the doors. In our bedroom you can sometimes smell cigarette smoke from our neighbour. He reminds me of Pigpen from Peanuts because when I knock on their door (he and his wife mange the building) a cloud of smoke comes barreling out the door as he opens it. It bugs me the most when I smell it at night because Brianna still sleeps in our room.

This morning when I got up I came out of the bedroom and my nose was assaulted with the smell of garbage. I did a quick check of my own garbage and came to the conclusion that it was probably coming from the neighbours upstairs since aside from the smoky neighbours, (who are beside our bedroom so I would have smelled it in there), they're the only ones connected with our suite. Our bathroom quite often smells a bit like sewage too, and I think that's coming from the pipes.

This all reminds me of when I lived on Collingwood Street in Kingston with Shaun Weima and Scott in an upstairs apartment in a house. The guys who lived downstairs were students who really had it out for Shaun because he recorded music and had parties late into the night (this was also a problem for Scott). I don't know if it was because they didn't like us, or if they were just plain filthy, but the smell of garbage when you would walk in the front door downstairs was nauseating. We routinely sprayed Lysol in the foyer outside their door to try and mask the odour, but the two smells together were almost worse. I'm pretty sure if I smelled that scent of Lysol now it would make me sick. The worst part was that my bedroom was right over top of their kitchen where they kept their garbage and it all came up through my vent. It was terrible. When they finally moved out, the landlord told Scott about the piles upon piles of garbage bags that were in their kitchen; he was pretty sure they had never put the garbage out the whole time they lived there.

I've usually been one to open a window to get fresh air into my place instead of lighting candles or spraying air fresheners, but I think I'm going to have to get some of those new Oust candles that claim to get rid of smells. It's getting cold here and next week it's going to be in the -20's so I don't think I'll be able to open the window much longer.

Some Pictures...

Bree's been sleeping a lot better most nights lately and so am I! She's been waking up between 7&8 and I'd rather get up when it wasn't dark out, but I can deal.











Update: I had to say something...two nights in a row now that Bree hasn't slept well at all.

sleeping

I keep reading that Brianna should be able to soothe herself to sleep now that she's just over 5 months old. She can't, really. Sometimes in the mornings or in the middle of the night she fusses I barely wake up and I turn on her Fisher-Price rain forest thing and she falls back asleep, but the actual falling asleep for nap time or for the night still relies on her being walked or nursed. I'm not really sure what I should be doing. I'm not into letting her cry, like most articles tell me, but they don't seem to give many other options. One I read today said that you can have a routine, and then put her down still awake so she can fall asleep on her own. It said that if the baby gets upset you can soothe them with your voice or by rubbing their back. Maybe this is the way to go, I don't know. Today for her nap I put Brianna in her crib and sat down to read in the rocking chair next to her. She didn't cry, but she kicked around a lot and "talked" to her mobile. I thought maybe she didn't realize it was sleep time so I went to my usual walking-back-and-forth-in-the-hallway method. Within minutes her eyes were getting droopy so I took her back to the crib and laid her down. She started to cry, not frantically, but she wasn't happy about being put down. I tried gently rubbing her head, which often works to calm her down if she becomes restless in the night. She stopped crying, but she no longer looked like she was going to fall asleep. I tried again with the walking and I sat in the rocking chair for a while, but she just wanted to sit up and look around the room instead. Finally I nursed her and she was asleep almost right away and I put her down in her crib. I know that eventually I have to let her fall asleep on her own, but I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how much fussing I should accept or if I should just continue to put her to sleep myself. I have no problem putting her to sleep myself, but I feel like a bad parent because of everything I'm reading.