Everything happens for a reason?

For those of you who don't yet know, we've lost our little baby before even knowing him or her. I started spotting on Sunday, and after being told by an emergency room doctor that things were fine, I had an ultrasound yesterday and found out there was no heartbeat. The bleeding hasn't been bad and I haven't really had any cramping so I guess the worst is yet to come. I could see the baby on the monitor. The tech asked if I wanted to see and I said "no", but she left the screen on when I was changing so I looked. It was easy to see.

Scott and I are leaning on each other, our friends and family, and God to get us through this hard time. We're thankful for Brianna who can put a smile on our faces despite how we're feeling.

Pregnant Dreams

My dreams become so vivid when I'm pregnant that I think I should always be able to tell when I'm pregnant on that alone. The weirdest thing about my dreams is that I seem to dream about spiders a lot. I'm petrified of spiders and in all my dreams I have this terrible fear associated with them. They're always bigger than anything I've seen in real life and very threatening. I don't know what that means. I also dream that I am choking a lot. I wake up thinking that there is something in my mouth and I'm struggling to not swallow it. It's not always food either, sometimes it's an object like a ball. It makes me wake up really panicky. Luckily I haven't woken up thinking that I'm choking on a spider...I think that would give me a heart attack.

I'm having a hard time with this whole weaning thing. My family doctor told me I needed to wean because there wouldn't be enough nutrients, which I don't really believe (and with the amount I'm eating there has to be enough), but I'm eager to anyway because it's not that comfortable anymore. Brianna has 8 teeth that are becoming an issue throughout the whole feed. I also haven't been putting on much weight yet, and this morning the scale actually indicated that I've lost weight. I'm not sure how accurate my scale is, though, so I'm not sure if I should be concerned. I don't have an appointment with my OB for another 2 weeks so I can't discuss it with him until then.
I don't nurse that often anymore; it works out to be 2-3 times a day and then twice a night on average. She's been eating a decent amount of solid foods so I think she's doing well with nutrients even when she doesn't nurse often. I've started giving her cow's milk even though I've read a few times that babies under 12 months should be given formula instead. She's never had formula and I feel more comfortable with the milk. She also won't take a bottle, but sometimes I wish I had encouraged her to so that Scott could give her a bottle with warm milk at bedtime.
For those of you who have gone through the weaning...does just nursing at nap time and bedtime seem like a good start? What about nursing while pregnant? What did your doctors/midwives say about it?

News!

So big news over in Edmonton; I'm pregnant again! I'm 10 1/2 weeks along and I'm feeling great. I haven't had any morning sickness and I'm not even that much more tired. Baby number 2 is due to arrive in early October.

This is another reason I'll be going back to the daycare...I can cash in on mat leave again! I'll only be there until either we move, or I have the baby.

I haven't posted for a long time because I really don't know where to start. A lot has changed recently.

I'm no longer doing the home daycare and I've decided to go back to work at the daycare that I was at before. I went out with my old boss and she persuaded me to go back when Brianna is one. She can come with, butI won't be in the same room as her. I'll also be making more money than I would if I stayed home, even with paying for child care since the pay has gone up since I was there last. Scott and I weren't really sure if we wanted Bree to be at a daycare, but we figure it's a good opportunity for her to socialize with some other kids. She will only be there for a little while anyway since we're still hoping to move back to Kingston at the end of the summer. We're keeping our fingers crossed that it works out.

I had a meeting with my consultant from the day home agency yesterday and I think she was annoyed that I backed out. It does suck since I put so much time (and money) into preparing for the daycare, but I still plan to one day do it so I'll still use a lot of the stuff I bought. I plan on returning the things I don't need though. I was hoping that I could have taken care of some kids temporarily, but no such luck.

I still need some sort of a part time job so I'm applying at the grocery store near by. I'm really hoping that I can get something where I can just work 4 hours at a time when Scott is home so we'll keep our fingers crossed on that one too.

I'm also starting to wean Brianna, but I don't really know what I'm doing. I didn't want to do it this early, but I need to get rid of the daytime feeds at least if she'll be starting daycare. I've been trying to just nurse her at nap times, but sometimes I end up nursing because I think she'll go to sleep, but then she doesn't and I've put in an extra feed by accident. It doesn't help that she's all of a sudden completely uninterested in solid food. She was doing really well for a while, but now she only wants to eat a very limited number of things and she only eats a little. It's kind of stressful.

So that's all my news for now. I'm not feeling all that relaxed, but things will work themselves out.

I'm still waiting to have my daycare, but at this point it's mostly out of my hands as I wait for documents in the mail and a doctor's appointment to pass a physical. I don't need to complain about it anymore. Scott helped me out a lot with the preparations and helped me keep my sanity. Now I'm just looking forward to getting started.

We've been trying to get Brianna to fall asleep in her crib lately because once I have other kids here I won't be able to sit in her room with her for a long time while she falls asleep. She's also getting too heavy for us to bounce around or walk with until she sleeps. I'm not a fan of leaving the room while she frantically cries in her room, so instead we've come up with a routine that is working.

After a nice bath (her favourite) we read a few books and then I take her out into the living room to nurse her while I talk to Scott or watch TV. I don't really want her to fall asleep nursing anymore so this seems to work to keep her somewhat distracted, but it still relaxes her. After that I take her into her room and hang on to her and cuddle with her with the lights out. This part varies in time depending on how she's feeling, but most of the time she relaxes in my arms and then I can lay her down in her crib while she's still awake. She doesn't usually fuss about it, but if she does I can usually calm her down by just rubbing her back or head. If she gets really upset I pick her up again until she's calm and try again. The first night of trying this new routine took over an hour of picking her up and putting her back down again. She wasn't crying because she was sad; she was pissed. I wasn't really sure if my plan was going to work. The next night, though, it only took 10 minutes. We've been doing it every night and at nap time for just over a week and it's working great. I don't have to spend very much time in her room with her anymore. I just have to be sure she's tired enough or else she'll just try and play. She still wakes up a few times during the night and I will nurse her back to sleep if she's hungry, but sometimes I don't have to. I'll worry about the middle of the night routine later.

A Rant...

I've been stressed out lately and it's making me lose sleep. The combination of stress and lack of sleep has made me absent-minded and cranky. The reason I've been so stressed out is because I'm getting ready to open up my daycare and I'm finding it really over-whelming. I'm going through an agency because I thought it would be the easier route, but I get really tense when I think about it.

The good thing about going through an agency is that they will find kids for me so I don't have to worry about not knowing anyone. They'll also take care of the money side of things and because they're accredited, I'll actually get government wage enhancement - being a level 3 ECE makes the enhancement enticing too. They also will find back-up care for the kids if either Brianna or I are sick. These are all the things that made me choose an agency instead of going privately.

The things that make me feel over-whelmed are all the things I need to do to prepare for the day home. I was somewhat ready for the things that they would tell me, but I've been surprised more than once. I have to do some re-arranging of my bedroom because that's where the two kids will be napping. We have a cedar chest that Scott's grandfather made us and apparently it's not safe because the kids may pinch their fingers, so we need to move that somewhere else. Our bedside tables can have no cosmetics (like hand cream and such) on them. This is just a little thing and not really a big deal, but just bugs me because it's on top of a bunch of other things. I always put on hand cream before I go to bed (because it's so dry here); I don't put it on before coming into the bedroom because then my hands will be slimy when I open the door. I also have to put child-proof locks on a bunch of cupboards; I'm ok with that one. I have to buy a container that I can lock with a pad lock and keep the key elsewhere for medications. The box then needs to be put up high out of reach. I need to clear a medical exam. I don't have a doctor, so this will likely result in a bunch of tests since no doctor here knows anything about my history. The one person who would know most things is my ob/gyn and I don't think I could go see him for that. We also need to get the cats their vaccines. This really bothered me when I found out because it's going to be really expensive to get all three done. They've all had shots in the past, but none of them have been outside since, so we haven't bothered because of the expense.

On top of the things I need to do to the apartment, I have a lot of paperwork to do. I have to do program plans and meal plans and fill out a lot of forms. I wasn't expecting that. I've never been one to get phased by this kind of stuff, but for some reason all this is bugging me.

This may sound very "complainy", but I feel like there's so much to do. I know they have standards and I can appreciate that, but I feel like if I just did a private daycare it would be a lot easier. Doing it privately worries me though because I don't know how much money I would make and since I don't know anyone I'd be worried about getting people who didn't pay me.

I've never been one to like rules. It's not that I'm a rebel, but I prefer things to be more relaxed. I think the fact that they are coming into my home and telling me what I need to do to it also rubs me the wrong way. Most of the things they're asking me to do I'm not even doing with Brianna here and I think she's safe. I do supervise kids; I don't put them in a rubber room and hope for the best.

I'll likely just stick with the agency and once I get all the crap out of the way first it will be ok. I just hope it doesn't take too long to get a couple kids; they told me it may take a while because I want 2-4 year olds instead of younger kids.

I hope this doesn't come across too negative, but I really can't help it. I'm really feeling pretty negative about the whole thing.

Brianna now wakes up an average of twice a night now and this morning she slept in until 9:30! She was up at 8:00, and I thought she may have stayed up then, but after nursing her she fell back asleep. I took advantage of that and went back to sleep myself. She's been going to bed a little later lately with the holidays and I liked her earlier bedtime better, but I think I like this extra sleep in the mornings too!

Now that I'm not so sleep-deprived I feel so much better. My patience is better and I feel like I can get a lot more done during the day. I find myself doing my housework faster while Brianna is content to play in her exersaucer or playpen so then I have more time to relax when I get the chances. Also, now that I'm better rested, the thought of taking care of other children seems a lot less daunting.

Scott and I had always talked about how I would stay home with our kids and watch other children too so that I'd also have an income. After I had Brianna and found out how hard one baby was I wasn't so confident about my childcare abilities. I went to school for ECE with our plan in mind, but I became really scared about it. I'm starting to feel better though.

I'm going to have to start having a better routine with Bree so that she'll be used to it when we start having other kids here. I've always been pretty flexible with her; I've had a very loose routine with her. I'll continue to play thing by ear sometimes, but I need a bit more structure so she knows what to expect.

The only thing I'm still concerned about is nap time. I still put Brianna to sleep and we have our rituals for that that work for us. I'm not sure how that will work when I'm responsible for other people's kids too. I still want to be an attentive mother and not change things for Bree too much.

Here in Alberta there are government-run day homes for childcare and I'm looking into that since I don't know anyone who needs me. I emailed them and probably won't hear anything until after the new year. The families pay the day-home agency and then they pay me. I figure it might be the way to go; then I don't need to worry about the money part. I told them that I only want a couple kids that are 2-4 years and I'd like to start off part-time to ease Brianna into it. I hope it works out.

I have a few things I should be doing right now while Brianna is napping, but I've been wanting to blog for so long. I tidied up a bit and made some vegetarian chili for supper (I'm not a vegetarian, but I love the chili). I find that I judge myself as a wife and mother and how much I can get done in a day and I feel a little bad when Scott comes home from work and I don't have supper ready and the apartment is messy. I don't know why I do this to myself since I don't expect this from other women and I certainly didn't grow up in a household where my mother kept things in their place and had supper on the table at the end of the day. In fact, it was my dad who was at home with me most of the time and while he kept things basically tidy, he wasn't the male version of June Cleaver.

For some reason, though, I have set my expectations high for myself and then when I feel over-whelmed it makes me feel guilty for not being able to juggle everything - especially since I only have one child. I also forget to do things for myself quite often (like blogging). I've had a book out of the library for 6 weeks that I'm still only about a third of the way through and I have another one on hold that I need to pick up and read. I've read the current one before, but I'm trying to refresh my memory on the story since it's part of a series and the latest story is due out next year sometime (it's Dragonfly in Amber by Diana Gabaldon, part of the Outlander series. I highly recommend the series to you). It's seven hundred and something pages long and I'm on page two-hundred and something. I've already had to renew it once and it's due back today so i'll either have to renew it again or give it up and try again later. Scott's constantly telling me that I should relax while Brianna is sleeping, but usually when I try to relax, I end up thinking about everything that I should be doing.

I'm going to have to work on this problem. I truly believe that women should take time for themselves and do what they enjoy so that they can be the best mothers/wives, but it's easier said than done for me.

A New Room

On Sunday night we decided it was time to move Brianna into her own room. She'll be 7 months old tomorrow and we only intended for her to stay in our room for 6 months. I loved having her so close to me when she woke up in the night, and it had become a comfort for me to fall asleep listening to her breathe. She's a very light sleeper, though, and we thought maybe she'd sleep better without us making noise. We also couldn't go in and out of our room or talk in there while she was sleeping because she'd wake up.

So, on Sunday night I told Scott it was time to move her crib. The crib needs to be taken apart to go through the doors, so it's not something I can change my mind on. I felt really sad as we prepared her to go since it's a big step (for me, at least).

The first night she was up constantly. I think she was up five times, but it could have been six; sometimes the night becomes a blur when she's waking up so much. Monday night she was only up 4-5 times, and didn't get up for the day until 8:15; she's usually up closer to 7am. Then, last night she only woke up once! When Scott woke me up at 6:30 I couldn't believe the time. I don't usually have to get up with Scott in the mornings and he usually lets me sleep since I'm almost invariably up all night, but this morning I had take him to work so I could have the car for Brianna's doctor's appointment. I can't help but wonder how long she would have slept because I actually woke her up. I really hope that moving her to her own room is going to be the answer to her frequent night-wakings. It seems like she needed a little bit of time to adjust, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I just wanted to let people out there know that Brianna will be getting baptized on December 9th so we'll be at Rustle. If you want to say hi to us we'd love to see you!

Stink

I'm really looking forward to eventually having a house of our own so I don't have to smell everything coming from other people's apartment. When I was pregnant, and my smell was really sensitive and I had an aversion to everything, I used to love to get outside of the daycare where I couldn't smell the cooking from the kitchen, people's perfume, and the diaper odours. When I'd step through my door in the evening, though, the smell of other people's dinner cooking would turn my stomach and there was no escape from it. The smells were so strong (to me, at least) and I couldn't stand it. Now that we're in a new place and I'm not pregnant, I'm still bothered by the smells from other people's suites seeping through the vents and under the doors. In our bedroom you can sometimes smell cigarette smoke from our neighbour. He reminds me of Pigpen from Peanuts because when I knock on their door (he and his wife mange the building) a cloud of smoke comes barreling out the door as he opens it. It bugs me the most when I smell it at night because Brianna still sleeps in our room.

This morning when I got up I came out of the bedroom and my nose was assaulted with the smell of garbage. I did a quick check of my own garbage and came to the conclusion that it was probably coming from the neighbours upstairs since aside from the smoky neighbours, (who are beside our bedroom so I would have smelled it in there), they're the only ones connected with our suite. Our bathroom quite often smells a bit like sewage too, and I think that's coming from the pipes.

This all reminds me of when I lived on Collingwood Street in Kingston with Shaun Weima and Scott in an upstairs apartment in a house. The guys who lived downstairs were students who really had it out for Shaun because he recorded music and had parties late into the night (this was also a problem for Scott). I don't know if it was because they didn't like us, or if they were just plain filthy, but the smell of garbage when you would walk in the front door downstairs was nauseating. We routinely sprayed Lysol in the foyer outside their door to try and mask the odour, but the two smells together were almost worse. I'm pretty sure if I smelled that scent of Lysol now it would make me sick. The worst part was that my bedroom was right over top of their kitchen where they kept their garbage and it all came up through my vent. It was terrible. When they finally moved out, the landlord told Scott about the piles upon piles of garbage bags that were in their kitchen; he was pretty sure they had never put the garbage out the whole time they lived there.

I've usually been one to open a window to get fresh air into my place instead of lighting candles or spraying air fresheners, but I think I'm going to have to get some of those new Oust candles that claim to get rid of smells. It's getting cold here and next week it's going to be in the -20's so I don't think I'll be able to open the window much longer.

Some Pictures...

Bree's been sleeping a lot better most nights lately and so am I! She's been waking up between 7&8 and I'd rather get up when it wasn't dark out, but I can deal.











Update: I had to say something...two nights in a row now that Bree hasn't slept well at all.

sleeping

I keep reading that Brianna should be able to soothe herself to sleep now that she's just over 5 months old. She can't, really. Sometimes in the mornings or in the middle of the night she fusses I barely wake up and I turn on her Fisher-Price rain forest thing and she falls back asleep, but the actual falling asleep for nap time or for the night still relies on her being walked or nursed. I'm not really sure what I should be doing. I'm not into letting her cry, like most articles tell me, but they don't seem to give many other options. One I read today said that you can have a routine, and then put her down still awake so she can fall asleep on her own. It said that if the baby gets upset you can soothe them with your voice or by rubbing their back. Maybe this is the way to go, I don't know. Today for her nap I put Brianna in her crib and sat down to read in the rocking chair next to her. She didn't cry, but she kicked around a lot and "talked" to her mobile. I thought maybe she didn't realize it was sleep time so I went to my usual walking-back-and-forth-in-the-hallway method. Within minutes her eyes were getting droopy so I took her back to the crib and laid her down. She started to cry, not frantically, but she wasn't happy about being put down. I tried gently rubbing her head, which often works to calm her down if she becomes restless in the night. She stopped crying, but she no longer looked like she was going to fall asleep. I tried again with the walking and I sat in the rocking chair for a while, but she just wanted to sit up and look around the room instead. Finally I nursed her and she was asleep almost right away and I put her down in her crib. I know that eventually I have to let her fall asleep on her own, but I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how much fussing I should accept or if I should just continue to put her to sleep myself. I have no problem putting her to sleep myself, but I feel like a bad parent because of everything I'm reading.

I'm on my second day of being a stay-at-home-mom all by myself and so far it's going well. I usually try to get my bigger cleaning chores done at the beginning of the week so yesterday was a little more hectic, especially since Brianna only slept for an hour the whole day. Even so, I managed to get everything done on my list and still go to the park so Brianna could have some fresh air.

Today I didn't have as much to do, but while she was sleeping I cleaned the office, which I've wanted to do for a long time. After she woke up and we played for a while I took her for a walk to London Drugs to buy diapers that were on sale and now she's sleeping again! I like my job.

We're going to be home in December! We'll be flying into Ottawa December 1st and staying at Scott's parents' place until the 12th. We're planning on getting Brianna baptized while we're there too. December 9th is the date and Al is going to do it for us. We're really excited to see everyone and happy that Brianna will still be a baby when people get to meet her.

Change

Yesterday we took Brianna to the doctor for her 4 1/2 months check-up and it went really well. The doctor was impressed by her development and thought that she had quite the personality (she really is a character). I mentioned how Brianna used to sleep in 5 or 7 hour stretches, but now she seems to wake up and want to nurse every 2-4 hours. It's not a huge deal; she usually goes back to sleep pretty easily afterwards, but it's tiring me out a bit. She suggested that we start with some rice cereal now since she seems to be needing more food. It was an exciting idea to try something new with her so last night we gave her a tiny bit of cereal. She didn't really seem too sure of it; she spit most of it out. I don't really think she's ready yet. Aside from that, it just seems like it's too soon just based on her age. I sort of think that she's getting enough food since she's waking me up all the time. It's not much fun, but I think I'm going to have to suck it up for a few more weeks until she's ready for different food. Besides, I know that giving her solid food might not even ensure a longer sleep.


This is Scott's last weekend before he goes back to work so I made a big pot of vegetarian chili for myself so that I can freeze it in small amounts and have a healthy lunch with little preparation while I'm alone. I'm really looking forward to seeing how I do at my dream job all by myself.

A nice weekend

This past weekend we went to a wedding in Waterton Lakes national Park. The wedding was in the park and the festivities were in small towns in the area. We were worried about the drive down there since Brianna HATES being in her car seat. Most car rides involve her screaming, and red-faced in the back seat. Thanks to a rather restless sleep on her part the night before she slept through almost the entire ride and cried very little.

The 5 hour drive is really quite beautiful. I've done the drive between Edmonton and Red Deer a few times and it's nice to be in rural areas. As we got closer to Calgary the scenery changed slightly to see the mountains in the distance and beyond Calgary the trees diminished and the land was flat in some areas and rolling with hills in others. I've always loved the foothills. I think I might even like them more than the actual mountains. There's something peaceful in their smooth continuity and I feel sad that I won't be close to them when we move away.

We stayed just outside the park in a place called Mountain View in a B&B. There were cows and horses in the fields and barn kittens playing outside. It was just perfect. I wish we could have had more of a chance to spend time relaxing and I really hope that we can go back some day to do just that. There was a spot just down the road from the B&B to ride horses; I've been bugging Scott to do that since we were dating.

I got home about an hour ago from a baby shower, nursed Brianna and put her to sleep. I didn't think she'd still be sleeping since she slept on the way home, but she has only slept in tiny increments since getting up this morning. As soon as she was sleeping I cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors and tidied up the bathroom. I even finally swept the office floor and got the cat hair that was collecting under the futon. The cats aren't even allowed in the office and there was enough hair under there to make another cat.

I have 15 days left of having Scott's help with housework and taking care of Brianna and then I start full time as a housewife/stay-at-home-mom. This is what I've wanted since I was a teenager and I can't wait. I expect to be a little over-whelmed at first until I find my groove, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. Already, I've become really good at doing stuff one-handed or really fast while she sleeps or plays in her exersaucer. The only thing that still presents a challenge is laundry. If she's sleeping, I can't go to the laundry room at all. If she's awake, it's still not all that easy. Sometimes I put her in the sling (Rachel, the hip carry is great), but I still have a hard time carrying the laundry with her and bending over to the dryer is tricky. I can do it if I have to, but I still prefer to have Scott home to just watch her while I run to the laundry room. Or he can do his laundry himself...

The last thing on my list for now is to use the lint brush on the couches. But first, I have to pick Scott up from the golf course. Today is the last day that the course is open (For Scott, I feel sad, but for me...I'm so glad!).

Video

Psycho Cat has been coming to visit everyday so we got a video of the whole thing.

Pscyho Alley Cat

Yesterday morning Scott and I woke up to a horrible moaning sound followed by screams and loud bangs. In our sleepy state we both thought that it might have been the kids upstairs since they can get really loud sometimes. As I became more fully awake I realized that it was actually the sound of angry cats and I got really freaked out. They fight sometimes, but it sounds more playful and sometimes frustrated than what we were hearing. I convinced Scott that it was, in fact, our cats making the terrible sound and not the kids upstairs and he went to investigate. The thought that crossed both our minds was that someone was in our apartment hurting our cats. I waited in the bedroom with Brianna, who was also waking up. After more loud bangs, hisses, and growls; but no sounds of distress from Scott, I also went to check out what was going on. It turns out that there was a male tabby cat at the living-room window and he was running into it with his head. The growling we heard was coming mostly from Tyke and the banging was him jumping out of the window when he was charged at (there are security bars on the windows since we live in the basement and they were banging). All three cats were cautiously watching and the room was filled with the sound of growling.

Scott got out the pepper spray (we got it from the pet store to spray on furniture and other areas where cats are clawing or peeing etc.). He opened the window and started spraying it directly at the cat. He's run away from the pepper spray, but he kept coming back to look at our cats.

Flash back to a couple days before:
Scott was walking around with Brianna and saw a cute grey tabby sitting at the window. Tyke and Zeek both jumped into the window to investigate and the cats meowed curiously at each other through the screen. Scott opened up the window without the screen about an inch and Zeek put his paw through to touch his new friend. Mishka was the only one not saying hi to the nieghbourhood cat, so I put her in the window too and chastised her for being so antisocial. As soon as she caught sight of the grey tabby she started growling and hissing. The tom didn't seemed too affected by Mishka's hostility; he just meowed back at her. I took Mishka out of the window because I was worried he would leave. Little did I know she perceived his craziness and was warning him to leave (or she was just being her normal, antisocial self - what do I know?).


That's what made yesterday morning so creepy. That cat was perfectly normal the last time we saw him so I don't know what got into him. We've had the windows closed and the blinds down ever since because we don't want that to happen again. I'm just glad is was so cold, otherwise I wouldn't have closed the window in the first place and he quite possibly would have rammed himself right through the screen.