Brianna now wakes up an average of twice a night now and this morning she slept in until 9:30! She was up at 8:00, and I thought she may have stayed up then, but after nursing her she fell back asleep. I took advantage of that and went back to sleep myself. She's been going to bed a little later lately with the holidays and I liked her earlier bedtime better, but I think I like this extra sleep in the mornings too!

Now that I'm not so sleep-deprived I feel so much better. My patience is better and I feel like I can get a lot more done during the day. I find myself doing my housework faster while Brianna is content to play in her exersaucer or playpen so then I have more time to relax when I get the chances. Also, now that I'm better rested, the thought of taking care of other children seems a lot less daunting.

Scott and I had always talked about how I would stay home with our kids and watch other children too so that I'd also have an income. After I had Brianna and found out how hard one baby was I wasn't so confident about my childcare abilities. I went to school for ECE with our plan in mind, but I became really scared about it. I'm starting to feel better though.

I'm going to have to start having a better routine with Bree so that she'll be used to it when we start having other kids here. I've always been pretty flexible with her; I've had a very loose routine with her. I'll continue to play thing by ear sometimes, but I need a bit more structure so she knows what to expect.

The only thing I'm still concerned about is nap time. I still put Brianna to sleep and we have our rituals for that that work for us. I'm not sure how that will work when I'm responsible for other people's kids too. I still want to be an attentive mother and not change things for Bree too much.

Here in Alberta there are government-run day homes for childcare and I'm looking into that since I don't know anyone who needs me. I emailed them and probably won't hear anything until after the new year. The families pay the day-home agency and then they pay me. I figure it might be the way to go; then I don't need to worry about the money part. I told them that I only want a couple kids that are 2-4 years and I'd like to start off part-time to ease Brianna into it. I hope it works out.

I have a few things I should be doing right now while Brianna is napping, but I've been wanting to blog for so long. I tidied up a bit and made some vegetarian chili for supper (I'm not a vegetarian, but I love the chili). I find that I judge myself as a wife and mother and how much I can get done in a day and I feel a little bad when Scott comes home from work and I don't have supper ready and the apartment is messy. I don't know why I do this to myself since I don't expect this from other women and I certainly didn't grow up in a household where my mother kept things in their place and had supper on the table at the end of the day. In fact, it was my dad who was at home with me most of the time and while he kept things basically tidy, he wasn't the male version of June Cleaver.

For some reason, though, I have set my expectations high for myself and then when I feel over-whelmed it makes me feel guilty for not being able to juggle everything - especially since I only have one child. I also forget to do things for myself quite often (like blogging). I've had a book out of the library for 6 weeks that I'm still only about a third of the way through and I have another one on hold that I need to pick up and read. I've read the current one before, but I'm trying to refresh my memory on the story since it's part of a series and the latest story is due out next year sometime (it's Dragonfly in Amber by Diana Gabaldon, part of the Outlander series. I highly recommend the series to you). It's seven hundred and something pages long and I'm on page two-hundred and something. I've already had to renew it once and it's due back today so i'll either have to renew it again or give it up and try again later. Scott's constantly telling me that I should relax while Brianna is sleeping, but usually when I try to relax, I end up thinking about everything that I should be doing.

I'm going to have to work on this problem. I truly believe that women should take time for themselves and do what they enjoy so that they can be the best mothers/wives, but it's easier said than done for me.

A New Room

On Sunday night we decided it was time to move Brianna into her own room. She'll be 7 months old tomorrow and we only intended for her to stay in our room for 6 months. I loved having her so close to me when she woke up in the night, and it had become a comfort for me to fall asleep listening to her breathe. She's a very light sleeper, though, and we thought maybe she'd sleep better without us making noise. We also couldn't go in and out of our room or talk in there while she was sleeping because she'd wake up.

So, on Sunday night I told Scott it was time to move her crib. The crib needs to be taken apart to go through the doors, so it's not something I can change my mind on. I felt really sad as we prepared her to go since it's a big step (for me, at least).

The first night she was up constantly. I think she was up five times, but it could have been six; sometimes the night becomes a blur when she's waking up so much. Monday night she was only up 4-5 times, and didn't get up for the day until 8:15; she's usually up closer to 7am. Then, last night she only woke up once! When Scott woke me up at 6:30 I couldn't believe the time. I don't usually have to get up with Scott in the mornings and he usually lets me sleep since I'm almost invariably up all night, but this morning I had take him to work so I could have the car for Brianna's doctor's appointment. I can't help but wonder how long she would have slept because I actually woke her up. I really hope that moving her to her own room is going to be the answer to her frequent night-wakings. It seems like she needed a little bit of time to adjust, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I just wanted to let people out there know that Brianna will be getting baptized on December 9th so we'll be at Rustle. If you want to say hi to us we'd love to see you!

Stink

I'm really looking forward to eventually having a house of our own so I don't have to smell everything coming from other people's apartment. When I was pregnant, and my smell was really sensitive and I had an aversion to everything, I used to love to get outside of the daycare where I couldn't smell the cooking from the kitchen, people's perfume, and the diaper odours. When I'd step through my door in the evening, though, the smell of other people's dinner cooking would turn my stomach and there was no escape from it. The smells were so strong (to me, at least) and I couldn't stand it. Now that we're in a new place and I'm not pregnant, I'm still bothered by the smells from other people's suites seeping through the vents and under the doors. In our bedroom you can sometimes smell cigarette smoke from our neighbour. He reminds me of Pigpen from Peanuts because when I knock on their door (he and his wife mange the building) a cloud of smoke comes barreling out the door as he opens it. It bugs me the most when I smell it at night because Brianna still sleeps in our room.

This morning when I got up I came out of the bedroom and my nose was assaulted with the smell of garbage. I did a quick check of my own garbage and came to the conclusion that it was probably coming from the neighbours upstairs since aside from the smoky neighbours, (who are beside our bedroom so I would have smelled it in there), they're the only ones connected with our suite. Our bathroom quite often smells a bit like sewage too, and I think that's coming from the pipes.

This all reminds me of when I lived on Collingwood Street in Kingston with Shaun Weima and Scott in an upstairs apartment in a house. The guys who lived downstairs were students who really had it out for Shaun because he recorded music and had parties late into the night (this was also a problem for Scott). I don't know if it was because they didn't like us, or if they were just plain filthy, but the smell of garbage when you would walk in the front door downstairs was nauseating. We routinely sprayed Lysol in the foyer outside their door to try and mask the odour, but the two smells together were almost worse. I'm pretty sure if I smelled that scent of Lysol now it would make me sick. The worst part was that my bedroom was right over top of their kitchen where they kept their garbage and it all came up through my vent. It was terrible. When they finally moved out, the landlord told Scott about the piles upon piles of garbage bags that were in their kitchen; he was pretty sure they had never put the garbage out the whole time they lived there.

I've usually been one to open a window to get fresh air into my place instead of lighting candles or spraying air fresheners, but I think I'm going to have to get some of those new Oust candles that claim to get rid of smells. It's getting cold here and next week it's going to be in the -20's so I don't think I'll be able to open the window much longer.

Some Pictures...

Bree's been sleeping a lot better most nights lately and so am I! She's been waking up between 7&8 and I'd rather get up when it wasn't dark out, but I can deal.











Update: I had to say something...two nights in a row now that Bree hasn't slept well at all.

sleeping

I keep reading that Brianna should be able to soothe herself to sleep now that she's just over 5 months old. She can't, really. Sometimes in the mornings or in the middle of the night she fusses I barely wake up and I turn on her Fisher-Price rain forest thing and she falls back asleep, but the actual falling asleep for nap time or for the night still relies on her being walked or nursed. I'm not really sure what I should be doing. I'm not into letting her cry, like most articles tell me, but they don't seem to give many other options. One I read today said that you can have a routine, and then put her down still awake so she can fall asleep on her own. It said that if the baby gets upset you can soothe them with your voice or by rubbing their back. Maybe this is the way to go, I don't know. Today for her nap I put Brianna in her crib and sat down to read in the rocking chair next to her. She didn't cry, but she kicked around a lot and "talked" to her mobile. I thought maybe she didn't realize it was sleep time so I went to my usual walking-back-and-forth-in-the-hallway method. Within minutes her eyes were getting droopy so I took her back to the crib and laid her down. She started to cry, not frantically, but she wasn't happy about being put down. I tried gently rubbing her head, which often works to calm her down if she becomes restless in the night. She stopped crying, but she no longer looked like she was going to fall asleep. I tried again with the walking and I sat in the rocking chair for a while, but she just wanted to sit up and look around the room instead. Finally I nursed her and she was asleep almost right away and I put her down in her crib. I know that eventually I have to let her fall asleep on her own, but I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how much fussing I should accept or if I should just continue to put her to sleep myself. I have no problem putting her to sleep myself, but I feel like a bad parent because of everything I'm reading.

I'm on my second day of being a stay-at-home-mom all by myself and so far it's going well. I usually try to get my bigger cleaning chores done at the beginning of the week so yesterday was a little more hectic, especially since Brianna only slept for an hour the whole day. Even so, I managed to get everything done on my list and still go to the park so Brianna could have some fresh air.

Today I didn't have as much to do, but while she was sleeping I cleaned the office, which I've wanted to do for a long time. After she woke up and we played for a while I took her for a walk to London Drugs to buy diapers that were on sale and now she's sleeping again! I like my job.

We're going to be home in December! We'll be flying into Ottawa December 1st and staying at Scott's parents' place until the 12th. We're planning on getting Brianna baptized while we're there too. December 9th is the date and Al is going to do it for us. We're really excited to see everyone and happy that Brianna will still be a baby when people get to meet her.

Change

Yesterday we took Brianna to the doctor for her 4 1/2 months check-up and it went really well. The doctor was impressed by her development and thought that she had quite the personality (she really is a character). I mentioned how Brianna used to sleep in 5 or 7 hour stretches, but now she seems to wake up and want to nurse every 2-4 hours. It's not a huge deal; she usually goes back to sleep pretty easily afterwards, but it's tiring me out a bit. She suggested that we start with some rice cereal now since she seems to be needing more food. It was an exciting idea to try something new with her so last night we gave her a tiny bit of cereal. She didn't really seem too sure of it; she spit most of it out. I don't really think she's ready yet. Aside from that, it just seems like it's too soon just based on her age. I sort of think that she's getting enough food since she's waking me up all the time. It's not much fun, but I think I'm going to have to suck it up for a few more weeks until she's ready for different food. Besides, I know that giving her solid food might not even ensure a longer sleep.


This is Scott's last weekend before he goes back to work so I made a big pot of vegetarian chili for myself so that I can freeze it in small amounts and have a healthy lunch with little preparation while I'm alone. I'm really looking forward to seeing how I do at my dream job all by myself.

A nice weekend

This past weekend we went to a wedding in Waterton Lakes national Park. The wedding was in the park and the festivities were in small towns in the area. We were worried about the drive down there since Brianna HATES being in her car seat. Most car rides involve her screaming, and red-faced in the back seat. Thanks to a rather restless sleep on her part the night before she slept through almost the entire ride and cried very little.

The 5 hour drive is really quite beautiful. I've done the drive between Edmonton and Red Deer a few times and it's nice to be in rural areas. As we got closer to Calgary the scenery changed slightly to see the mountains in the distance and beyond Calgary the trees diminished and the land was flat in some areas and rolling with hills in others. I've always loved the foothills. I think I might even like them more than the actual mountains. There's something peaceful in their smooth continuity and I feel sad that I won't be close to them when we move away.

We stayed just outside the park in a place called Mountain View in a B&B. There were cows and horses in the fields and barn kittens playing outside. It was just perfect. I wish we could have had more of a chance to spend time relaxing and I really hope that we can go back some day to do just that. There was a spot just down the road from the B&B to ride horses; I've been bugging Scott to do that since we were dating.

I got home about an hour ago from a baby shower, nursed Brianna and put her to sleep. I didn't think she'd still be sleeping since she slept on the way home, but she has only slept in tiny increments since getting up this morning. As soon as she was sleeping I cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors and tidied up the bathroom. I even finally swept the office floor and got the cat hair that was collecting under the futon. The cats aren't even allowed in the office and there was enough hair under there to make another cat.

I have 15 days left of having Scott's help with housework and taking care of Brianna and then I start full time as a housewife/stay-at-home-mom. This is what I've wanted since I was a teenager and I can't wait. I expect to be a little over-whelmed at first until I find my groove, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. Already, I've become really good at doing stuff one-handed or really fast while she sleeps or plays in her exersaucer. The only thing that still presents a challenge is laundry. If she's sleeping, I can't go to the laundry room at all. If she's awake, it's still not all that easy. Sometimes I put her in the sling (Rachel, the hip carry is great), but I still have a hard time carrying the laundry with her and bending over to the dryer is tricky. I can do it if I have to, but I still prefer to have Scott home to just watch her while I run to the laundry room. Or he can do his laundry himself...

The last thing on my list for now is to use the lint brush on the couches. But first, I have to pick Scott up from the golf course. Today is the last day that the course is open (For Scott, I feel sad, but for me...I'm so glad!).

Video

Psycho Cat has been coming to visit everyday so we got a video of the whole thing.

Pscyho Alley Cat

Yesterday morning Scott and I woke up to a horrible moaning sound followed by screams and loud bangs. In our sleepy state we both thought that it might have been the kids upstairs since they can get really loud sometimes. As I became more fully awake I realized that it was actually the sound of angry cats and I got really freaked out. They fight sometimes, but it sounds more playful and sometimes frustrated than what we were hearing. I convinced Scott that it was, in fact, our cats making the terrible sound and not the kids upstairs and he went to investigate. The thought that crossed both our minds was that someone was in our apartment hurting our cats. I waited in the bedroom with Brianna, who was also waking up. After more loud bangs, hisses, and growls; but no sounds of distress from Scott, I also went to check out what was going on. It turns out that there was a male tabby cat at the living-room window and he was running into it with his head. The growling we heard was coming mostly from Tyke and the banging was him jumping out of the window when he was charged at (there are security bars on the windows since we live in the basement and they were banging). All three cats were cautiously watching and the room was filled with the sound of growling.

Scott got out the pepper spray (we got it from the pet store to spray on furniture and other areas where cats are clawing or peeing etc.). He opened the window and started spraying it directly at the cat. He's run away from the pepper spray, but he kept coming back to look at our cats.

Flash back to a couple days before:
Scott was walking around with Brianna and saw a cute grey tabby sitting at the window. Tyke and Zeek both jumped into the window to investigate and the cats meowed curiously at each other through the screen. Scott opened up the window without the screen about an inch and Zeek put his paw through to touch his new friend. Mishka was the only one not saying hi to the nieghbourhood cat, so I put her in the window too and chastised her for being so antisocial. As soon as she caught sight of the grey tabby she started growling and hissing. The tom didn't seemed too affected by Mishka's hostility; he just meowed back at her. I took Mishka out of the window because I was worried he would leave. Little did I know she perceived his craziness and was warning him to leave (or she was just being her normal, antisocial self - what do I know?).


That's what made yesterday morning so creepy. That cat was perfectly normal the last time we saw him so I don't know what got into him. We've had the windows closed and the blinds down ever since because we don't want that to happen again. I'm just glad is was so cold, otherwise I wouldn't have closed the window in the first place and he quite possibly would have rammed himself right through the screen.

It's almost been a month

Scott has complained about me not blogging anymore, but my reply was that I don't really have the time. Most of my free time is spent trying to get some cleaning done or have a shower before Brianna needs me. I don't know how all you moms out there with more than one do it. Brianna is sleeping now, though, so I have no excuse. She went to bed at 10:30 tonight and I hope it's for the night. Her sleeping schedule is slowly getting a little better. I've gotten her up a little earlier in the mornings and it's helped at night. She seems to be a bit of a night-owl.

Our summer has been busy with barbecues, seeing friends and lots of reading. We got rid of our cable for the summer and I've read more books in the last month than I usually read in a year. Scott and I have both been reading "The Earth's Children" series and I've been interested at different points in the story. Every once in a while the books get a little dull though, but eventually pick up again.

Last weekend we went to see Blue Rodeo for free at the folk festival by standing outside the fence. We could see and hear perfectly and we got to hear a bunch of other acts that were pretty good. Blue Rodeo is one of my favourite bands and I've seen them a bunch of times, but it wasn't their best show. They didn't interact much with the audience and they didn't play long. It may have something to do with them being the last act of the night and it being 3 degrees outside.

Pain

My new routine of running came to a halt the other day because I twisted my knee. I was in an area where the sidewalks are in really bad condition and when my foot landed on a slanted area it hurt my knee. It hurt when it happened, but I was able to finish my run. The next time I went out it still hurt, but I was still able to run. I decided to wait two days before I went out again to give it some more time and then I was going to start the next level of my conditioning. I took two steps and couldn't do it. Now it hurts to walk for a long time. It's been almost a week now and it still hurts. I'm really disappointed because I could feel my endurance building up and I was on my way to finally achieving my goal. I know I still can, but it's frustrating that I'll have to start from square one when I feel better.

Yesterday morning I took Brianna to get her first set of immunization shots. She was so happy while we were in the waiting room and I felt bad that it was going to be painful for her. She screamed really loud when the nurse did it and it was really hard on me. As soon as I got back out into the waiting room I nursed her and that made her feel better (and me). She was sleeping when I got her back home, but when she finally woke up she was crying a lot and we could tell she was in pain. Scott went out to get some baby Tylenol while I held her and nursed her. Every time she was moved she'd cry and throw out her arms the way she does when she's startled. It was terrible for all of us. After she had the Tylenol she fell asleep off and on for a few hours. Eventually when she woke up around 5 she was finally back to herself again and we didn't have to give her anymore medicine.

Running

Wow, blogging two days in a row. This is unheard of. Brianna has been sleeping quite a bit over the last 24 hours and she's sleeping away in her daddy's arms right now. I'm surprised by how much she's sleeping today because normally she's up most of the afternoon and evening. She's been pretty alert and happy when she has been awake so I guess that means she's ok and she's just tired. Maybe it's just her growth spurt. We took her to the health clinic to be weighed today and she's now 10lbs 15 ounces. She's put on 10 ounces since last week.

I went for my post-partum appointment today and my doctor told me I'm all healed up and can start exercising again. I'm glad to hear it since I found out that I'm still 20lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight. I'd like to lose it plus an additional 5-10 lbs. Tonight I went for a little jog, or at least I started to train my body into being able to jog. I've never been a jogger, but I've always wanted to be. The only problem was that I'd jog for about 2 minutes and feel like I was going to die and I'd think "why would anyone do this to themselves". I still wanted to though. It just looks so exhilarating. I have re-occurring dreams where I can run for miles and miles and feel great. So I found a website that gives a schedule for training your body for a 5k run in two months. For the first week you walk for 5 minutes and then alternate between running for 60 seconds and walking for 90. You only do it 3 days a week so you don't over-do it. I was surprised by how difficult the 60 seconds was (although, I'm not sure why I was surprised), but I was also surprised by how it got easier after I found my groove. I think I'm finally going to be a jogger and I'm pleased with myself. I have a wedding to go to on Thanksgiving weekend and I'm determined to have the weight off by then and be happy with my body. I've really been struggling with the way my body is now and I don't think I have to be stuck with it.

Not Enough Hours...

I finally understand what people mean when they say there aren't enough hours in the day. Brianna is sleeping right now so I've got some time to update. Her schedule is a little challenging sometimes. She sleeps all morning and part of the afternoon and then she's up until 1 or 2 in the morning. Luckily for us we don't have any obligations so we can go along with the flow, but we tend to sleep until about 11am. Some nights she'll sleep for 6 hours at a time and then other nights, like last night, she'll sleep for 2 hour intervals. I'm feeling pretty tired today, but I'll try and get a nap in later.

Scott and I are having lots of fun together while he's off work. It's nice to have someone to get out with to day errands. We also have a nightly tradition of going for a walk in the neighbourhood when the rest of the world is sleeping.

We really wanted to visit Kingston this month, but now it turns out that it won't happen. We'll consider it again in December when Scott has holidays, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. Good news though, we've decided that we are going to move back there. It won't be for at least a year and we'll have to wait until Scott gets transferred, but it's our plan. Since having Brianna we decided that it would be nice to have family around. I'm really excited about going back to Next or Rustle too. There really doesn't seem to be any comparison anywhere else.

Brianna's Birth Story

On Friday, May 18th I woke up at 8 am to a phone call from the hospital saying that I could come in for my induction. I was really surprised because my doctor had said that it was quite unlikely that they'd call me since there were a number of women ahead of me who more urgently needed to be induced. I took a shower and got dressed and raced to the hospital. I called Scott on the way to let him know that I would call him when I got home because I was expecting to be given Cervidil, a tampon-like device with prostaglandins to help my cervix ripen since at one week late, my body still had shown no major signs of preparing for labour.
I arrived at the hospital around 9:30 and they did an NST for a while on the baby and checked my cervix. I was actually 1/2 cm dilated. Finally. While the nurse and I were chatting I discovered that I wouldn't actually be able to go home after I was given the dose because I was getting just a straight gel. I would have to lie on my back for an hour while the gel went to work on my cervix and and I'd have to stay so that both the baby and I could be monitored. The nurse also told me that it rarely takes one dose and that I'd likely have to have three every 6 hours. I called Scott again at that point and told him to leave work and go home to get my hospital bag and meet me.

After an uncomfortable hour of lying on my back I moved down to an antenatal room with 3 other women who'd been on bed rest for a while. Scott was with me and we decided to go for lots of walks to help speed things along. I called my doula, Mitzi and told her what was going on, but I wasn't feeling any contractions so she didn't need to come in yet. After 6 hours of reading old magazines and walking the halls of the ward, a nurse came to tell me that it was time for my next dose of gel. They didn't have a bed in the assessment area so I ended up in my own private delivery room while they checked me and gave me the next dose. If I remember correctly, my cervix hadn't changed at all at that point. I was happy that for my second dose of gel it was my actual ob/gyn who was with me. Scott and I both really liked him for his down-to-earth and calming nature. It was the last time I'd see him for the weekend though since it was the Friday evening of a long weekend. He had the weekend off.

After a couple hours of having the second dose I started to have contractions that were painful. I didn't really know what to expect at this point so we called Mitzi and she came in. I became excited then because I figured that these contractions would help my body get ready and then I'd be able to deliver after the 3rd dose. I received that second dose around 6pm and Scott and I continued to do more walking. When I was later checked by a nurse for progress it turned out that I was 2cm. At 10:00, Scott and Mitzi had to leave because I wasn't in my own room and I wasn't dilated enough to go to a delivery room. I told them both that I would likely call them in the night because I was expecting my third dose around midnight. I was upset that I had to be alone, but I wasn't expecting it to be all night.

About an hour after Scott left my contractions started to get really painful and about every 2-3 minutes apart. I told the nurse how I was feeling each time she came in to check my blood pressure and do an NST. She told me that if I could still talk through my contractions then I wasn't ready to go to a delivery room. I was getting progressively more upset as the night went on because I was in quite a bit of pain, I couldn't sleep through my contractions so I was getting tired, and I was alone. I was told that they weren't ready to give me my third dose of gel or even check my cervix because the delivery ward was really busy and no doctors were available to see me. Finally, at about 4am a resident came to see me. He checked my cervix and I was still only 2cm and there was no other change. I couldn't believe it. I was so discouraged, but he told me I'd be checked again in the morning. I was so tired and I just wanted to go to my own delivery room so Scott could be with me. The doctor suggested I take a sleeping pill so I could sleep, but I didn't want anything. I did finally sleep for an hour and a half though. When the nurse came in at 6am on Saturday I asked her when I could have Scott and Mitzi come in and she said they could come at 8am. I called them and let them know. When they finally showed up I had a hard time holding back my tears. I felt like I finally didn't have to be strong anymore because I had Scott with me to take care of me.

Saturday was spent waiting. We didn't know when I was going to be checked again or given the next dose because of the shortage of doctors and how busy it was in the delivery ward. I just kept walking and trying unsuccessfully to sleep. My contractions started petering out as the day went on and I was getting nervous. They went from being strong and 2-3 minutes apart to being weak and about every 10 minutes apart. That afternoon we told Mitzi she may as well go home and we'd call her if things changed.An hour after she left a nurse came and said I had to go upstairs to the other ward because they had a bed for me and they were going to give me my next dose...finally after 24 hours.

When I was finally checked for my progress I was disappointed to find out that I was still just 2cm dilated. My body was just not ready to go into labour. The good news was that my cervix was finally in an anterior position and the baby's head was quite low. The doctor decided I should go on the oxytocin drip at this point. I really wasn't wanting this, but it seemed like I had no other choice with the rate my body was progressing. I just wanted to give birth and leave the hospital. They hooked me up to an IV and I was then finally sent to a delivery room and Scott could stay with me. At about 7pm on the Saturday night, my contractions started to get more painful so we called Mitzi again thinking that it would progress quickly now.

It soon got to the point that I couldn't move or talk during my contractions. I sat on a birthing ball for a few hours in a hot shower. It was pretty much the only thing that helped. I was feeling great in spite of the pain. I thought things had to be progressing now and I felt I was handling the contractions really well. I was breathing through them and I wasn't getting stressed out. I thought I was on my way to having a good delivery soon.

At 4am on Sunday morning a doctor finally came in to check me. Before he came in the nurse said that he'd probably break my water. I told her I really didn't want my water broken because I knew the pain intensity would go up a lot and I didn't want an epidural. She said we should see how dilated I was and then discuss what to do next. Well, I was still just 2cm. I was devastated and discouraged. I couldn't understand why my body wasn't working properly. I was starting to get worried that I would have to have a c-section. It had been 42 hours at that point and I was exhausted both physically and mentally. The doctor came in on his way to doing a c-section for another woman and Scott asked him what he was planning on doing. He said he was going to break my water. I said I didn't want that and he simply responded by saying, "We do it all the time". This wasn't a good response for me and I started to shake uncontrollably. I was upset, I felt backed into a corner. I explained to him that it was too early to have my water broken at only 2cm and I thought it was a bad idea. I told him I wasn't ready for my pain to increase that much that fast and I'd rather wait until my body was closer to giving birth. The doctor kept pressuring me and I felt rushed because he had to go to a c-section. Scott was getting angry with the doctor and wanted to give me a few minutes to think about what I wanted to do. Finally I told him to go ahead. I couldn't handle his pressure and I all I could think was how much longer could I keep going as exhausted as I was and still have the energy to push when I was finally fully dilated. So I gave in. He proceeded to break my water and I asked him to wait until my contraction was done and he kind of smirked and said it was the best time to do it. I took a deep breath and waited until it was over. Everyone, including the doctor and the nurse, told me it wouldn't hurt to have my water broken, but he was so rough. He rushed through the procedure and then left. Immediately I started shaking even more as my adrenaline had hit a high with the sudden decision I had to make and all my emotions were crazy. I started crying as I tried to breathe through the intense contractions (that grew to be about 30 seconds apart) and battled my emotions inside as I contemplated the epidural. Everything was wrong. There was nothing natural about the birth experience at all for me anymore. I was angry that things had gone the way they had, that they left me for 24 hours not really knowing what to expect. I was angry that I had to be left alone for a night without Scott and that my body hadn't just gone into labour on it's own. And lastly, I was angry that the doctor treated me with such little regard towards what I wanted. After 3 contractions I was finally able to tell Scott through my crying that I wanted the epidural. I needed to sleep. I needed the relief from both the pain and the frustration I was feeling with everybody and everything. The anesthesiologist received my order for an epidural at the same time as two other women and he rushed in within minutes to help me before rushing out for the c-section that the doctor was going to. Scott had to hold me as the needle was inserted to try and keep me from shaking too much. I was so upset that things had come to this.

The epidural started to work within minutes and I lay on the bed feeling my body go numb. I finally fell asleep and I woke up around 6am with nurses coming in and out and checking various things with me and the baby. Around 7:30 a nurse checked to see how dilated I was. After everything I had been through I was shocked to hear that I was 9 1/2 cm and there was just a small lip over the baby's head that needed to be freed. She told me to do one push during my next contraction (which I couldn't feel). I did, and then I was 10cm.

I started the rest of the pushing at 8am. I couldn't feel anything and I had to rely on the nurse to tell me when I was contracting. They decided to turn down my epidural and turn up the oxytocin that I still had attached to my IV. Pushing was difficult since I wasn't able to feel anything, but somehow I managed. I was still really tired so in between pushes I just laid back and breathed. It's all I could do. I was getting annoyed by how many people were coming in and out of the room and talking about trivial things amongst themselves while I was trying to give birth. One nurse actually came in and commented on how little progress I had made. Mitzi immediately told me to let the comment go because I was actually doing well. After about an hour and a half of pushing I started to be able to feel the sensations and my pushes were better. I still felt like it was taking too long though. The doctor came in shortly after and I kept pushing until finally her head came out. I tore at that point, but instead of feeling pain I felt extreme relief because it was what allowed her head to come free. I got her shoulders out and the rest of her body followed. I can't describe the feeling that came over me as I felt her leave my body and she was put on my stomach. Scott and I were both overcome with emotions and I have never felt anything similar to that in my life.

Scott and I held her and adored her while they delivered the placenta and stitched me. She latched on and I fed my daughter for the first time and I couldn't wait to be in a room alone with just the three of us.

They normally only allow patients to stay in the delivery room for an hour after the birth, but we were in there for almost 2. It still felt rushed though and there were a lot people coming in and out of the room, but finally I was wheeled up to a room with one other bed in it. The other woman was going home though so I had the room to myself. I was later taken to a completely private room that night.

When I think back to Brianna's birth I still get upset that it was pretty much exactly how I didn't want things to go, with the exception of course, that I gave birth to a beautiful healthy little girl. She was born with scratches on her scalp and I'm convinced it's from the doctor roughly breaking my water. She still has a scar that hasn't completely healed a month later. I really hope that the next time will go better and I'll labour naturally. In retrospect I think that if I had actually waited until the Tuesday after the holiday when the doctor had expected I'd go, I may still have been induced, but it would have gone smoother because my body may have been more ready to work. I know better for next time now.

I am just so thankful that I didn't have a c-section and that Brianna came out without forceps or vacuum and she's healthy and happy. She's such a great baby and we are so happy.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my awesome husband and to all other dads and father-figures out there.
It's been so nice having Scott home to bond with Brianna and help me with this whole parenting thing.

Brianna is doing really well! We went to the doctor's today and she now weighs 8 lbs and is really healthy. She loves to eat and she's finally got the hang of it. She loves to sit up on our shoulders.